The F-It List by Julie Halpern Book Review

The F-It List by Julie Halpern - 2 stars

SPOILER-FREE 

SYNOPSIS:

The F-It List is about two girls, Alex and Becca, who are best friends. That is, until Becca sleeps with Alex's boyfriend the day of her father's funeral. A whole summer passes without these two interacting. When Becca finally heads to school for her junior year, she's confronted with awful news: her once-best friend, Becca, has been diagnosed with cancer. Alex sees this as a reason to reach out to Becca again. During the re-kindling of their friendship, Alex agrees to help Becca complete her bucket list, which they aptly re-title as "The Fuck It List." But this is no average bucket list. Instead, there are a number of things to do that range from simple (have a kool-aid stand with every flavor of kool-aid ever made), to difficult (have sex with someone you love). Upon agreeing to let Becca live through her vicariously, Alex starts junior year with the hopes of helping her best friend complete the bucket list she's had since she was little. Wild antics ensue!

From the premise alone, I was immediately hooked! It sounded like a fun take on The Fault In Out Stars! It sounded silly, wild, and potentially life-altering. When any reader goes into a book that's saturated in cancer stories, that reader is probably expecting a beautiful life lesson to emerge from the pages. Unfortunately with this book, I didn't find that to be. That's all I can really say without giving spoilers, so let's move on.

SPOILERS AHEAD 

THE GOOD:

Humor. My rating for this book was salvaged by this one aspect. While most of the humor is over-the-top and filled with vulgarity, some of it was quite laughable. I feel the need to note, that it's extremely rare for me to laugh out loud at a book. At best, certain lines and pages receive a chuckle, but there were some great clever lines in this book. One of my favorites being the following:

"You're such a help," Mom said sarcastically.

"So you'll raise my allowance?" CJ hinted.

"Only if you stop raising my blood pressure."  

This joke was so subtle and on point, because honestly, think about parents all over the world who feel this exact sentiment. When the jokes weren't too generically raunchy, they were a bit funny. Halpern executes the humor well. And even the less-than G-rated humor is executed well. Although I will say, while some of the humor was tasteful, most of it was just a bit too much for me. Now, I'm completely aware this is just my personal opinion and a lot of people will disagree with me here, being that humor is so entirely subjective. Regardless, I appreciated a lot of the light-hearted humor that was thrown into these pages. This was honestly one of the only saving graces of the whole book.

Leo. Leo was such a wonderful romantic interest. He was jagged and messy, and not the perfect pretty-boy that most authors paint for their female leads. He was rough and gritty, and not without flaws. He felt like a real human, not some paper doll cutout written in by an author whose main focus is to make 13-year-old girls swoon. Not even close. Leo was complex. He was smart without being an over-achiever, he was nice without being irritating, and he dealt with the loss of his brother in a strangely-human way. I really loved that the author didn't sugarcoat his experience with a family death. He holed himself up, he was depressed. All too often, when deaths occur, authors make it seem as though these deaths bear the left behind some beautifully profound message that magically makes the tears and pain disappear. Luckily for us, Halpern avoided that overused cliche. Leo was such a fun male lead.

Honesty. Even though a lot of these pages were filled with raunchy jokes I couldn't stomach, I really enjoyed finally reading a book about a girl with cancer, in which the cancer did not magically make her wise beyond her years. The cancer didn't change Becca--she still retained her wit and humor. Even though I didn't love her as a character (let's be honest, Alex was WAY worse), I loved that having cancer was seen by her a temporary setback. She took each step of the cancer on a day-by-day basis. Now, this was way more realist than any other cancer book I've read, especially in the YA genre. This to me held much more honesty than TFIOS (The Fault In Our Stars). One of my closest friends went through cancer, and this book nailed the experience right on the head. The most honest paragraph of the whole book was:

"I watched helplessly as she dealt with the side effects: constant nausea, puking, not being able to walk, not being able to see, not to mention the tubes and holes and weight loss and not wanting to eat. Why did this happen? To Becca, and to anyone? Why can someone get so sick that the only way to get better is to make them more sick? It's like the world's longest exorcism. It doesn't make sense that I can chat with someone live on a tiny screen, that governments spend billions of dollars on war and mayhem, that actors make millions of dollars to just look pretty and skinny, yet no one can fucking figure out how to cure cancer without torturing people." 

Another great one:

"Instantly my mood changed. I never knew what to expect from Becca's cancer treatment. It seemed like a lot of up and down, sick and normal, Regular Becca and Cancer Becca. If she were to be at school next week, it would mean jokes in the hall and instant updates on ridiculously unimportant things. Things that weren't worth typing into an email or holding for our Skype conversations. Toilet paper on shoes and whose hand grazed someone's ass in gym or who farted in AP Spanish. Laughter at lunch and looks in the hall that spoke louder than words. That's what I was missing from my life. Even alive, cancer took away my best friend."  

NAILED IT.

THE BAD:

Raunchy jokes that were cringe-worthy/Vulgarity. This is such a subjective review, wow. But honestly, the humor in this book was way too raunchy for my taste. There were so many over-the-top sex jokes that had me making sour faces left and right. At certain points, I couldn't even believe an author would be able to write such scenes without blushing. My absolute favorite was this gem of a quote that probably made every reader cringe a bit:

"He had a, well, me-eating grin on his face, and I was embarrassed to look at him after how I completely let go." 

I'm sorry, but what? I was asking myself if that joke was even necessary, but apparently the author felt like it was.  Even worse for me was the over-use of vulgarity. Hey, curse all you want. I know I do! But come on, sprinkle it through your book with class so as not to demean the nature of the story. The frequent use of every curse word in the dictionary just felt so unnecessary at certain points. And the BEST part?! Sometimes, the author deviated from the curse words, and it was so ridiculous that our main character went from saying "Fuck it," to saying things like, "frakkin." Yes, "frakkin." It was so ridiculous that such a large portion of this book was dedicated to purely vulgar words, and then suddenly, the main character's stream of consciousness goes g-rated. So much "ugh."

Alex was annoying at best. Being inside Alex's head was so irritating to me. She literally denied every little, tiny good thing in her life. Now, at the end of the book, we learn why that is, and the reasoning is great and actually somewhat thought-provoking, but throughout the whole book, I was so annoyed by her. She was at her prime stage of annoyance when she was toying with Leo for sex. You know, the boy she liked and stared at. But God forbid she like him once they have sex! But more on that below.

Becca was annoying. I mean, yeah. We all have fights with our friends. We all have times where we're out of contact with those closest to us. It happens to everyone. But Becca literally slept with Alex's boyfriend on the day of Alex's father's funeral. This was explained in the first few pages, and from the get-go, I knew I didn't like Becca. Now, that's not to say I didn't feel bad for her when she was diagnosed in the book. Actually, I felt awful for her. But if her entry scene wasn't so damn deplorable, maybe I would have liked her more as a character. But realistically, she seemed to be overly sex-crazed and more worried about sex and hooking up, than she was about her cancer or her best friend's feelings. Part of me appreciates the open honesty of the character and the fact that cancer doesn't change her, but part of me also hates that cancer takes a back seat to sex. 

The Alex and Leo "Friends-With-Benefits" to boyfriend-and-girlfriend situation. This was borderline unbearable for me to read. Alex talks about Leo, and how she's liked him for so long, but she refuses to let herself get close to him! Oh, except to meet in a hall closet so he can *ahem* pleasure her....?!?! Oh, ok. And don't even get me started on how graphic the sex scenes are during this budding relationship, but then (SPOILER) at the end, when they finally (and obviously) get together, the sex scenes become much more modest, almost as if the author wants us to feel a transformation of the relationship. I can actually appreciate this facet of the writing, though. However, that did nothing to redeem the relationship development. The fact that they kissed the first time they even talked and Leo claimed that Alex looked like she wanted to be kissed.... Just, so much "ugh." I was very confused by the fact that she clearly liked him, and got physically attached, while maintaining emotional detachment, while still yearning for him. I appreciate the reasoning behind it (her father's death and her friend's cancer made her feel like she couldn't be happy when good things happened to her), but honestly, I was just so irritated by the relationship development, when Leo had so many wonderfully redeeming qualities. I was even more upset that she decided not to go to his brother's funeral. She pretty much behaved like a grade-A bitch throughout that whole montage, all while consciously recognizing she needed someone when her dad died, so therefore Leo probably needed someone, but that someone couldn't be her. ANGST. *Insert massive eye roll*  

The fact that the book isn't even about cancer or a bucket list, as much as it is a coming-of-age tale of a girl who is just looking to get laid. That's honestly the best way I can even explain the true plot of this book. I probably wouldn't have a problem with this, if only the book were advertised as having such a plot. But no. I went into this expecting a witty tale about two friends battling through one friend's cancer. What I got was whiny Alex calling Leo every time she wanted sex from him. Which, was great for some laughs, but not what I thought I was getting into. It made the postulated message feel so silly and hollow. I couldn't take the ending pages seriously. Which brings me to my next point!

The ending that tried to be profound, but really just made me laugh out loud in the worst way. Jeese. Let me just give you the quotes I'm talking about, in which they are lamenting the lives of bugs that sleep for seventeen years:

"For seventeen years. Do you think they dreamed underground for seventeen years?" I clarified. 

"Do any bugs dream?" Caleb asked.

"It's so sad. To wake up and die so soon after," Becca said.

"I bet it's really fucking awesome for those couple of weeks when they're awake, though," Leo noted.

"Maybe they spend seventeen years dreaming about what they want to do during their minuscule lives." I smiled at the thought of bug dreams. Then something came to me. "Hey, Becca. I wonder if they have bucket lists."

"A bug-it list!" She laughed.

"That was so not funny," I said. "Okay. Maybe a little."

I shook my arm, and the three bugs lazily flew away, on their way to accomplish great things in a short amount of time. Really, how we all should try to live our lives. No matter how long we've got."

Um. I'm sorry, but did the author really try to derive an inspirational message from CICADAS?! You're joking, right? Seriously, that was the last page of the story. Here's the thing, the last paragraph is great, IF SHE WASN'T COMPARING HER CAST OF CHARACTERS TO BUGS. This is one of those strange passages that makes me wonder: How did this even make it through editing? How did an editor even read the last page and think, "Oh yeah. This is gold--let's publish this"? I just couldn't appreciate the inspirational words. I mean, we're talking about cicadas dreaming and doing big things. It's practically a farce.

The bucket (*ahem* "Fuck-It") list never gets finished. This is kind of a good/bad scenario for me. My inner-OCD was peeved the list was never finished, I mean, that was supposed to be the main premise of the book. But then part of me thinks, "Oh, well, it's a good message that the list was ever-living, just like Becca." 

OVERALL:

This book was just so "meh." There's no other word I can think of to describe it. I was entertained, there's no doubt (mostly by the over-the-top vulgarity, because why not?). But there was no real message--no thought-provoking words that made me stop to think about how I should appreciate every day as if it were a gift. While this detail made this particular book a nice breath of fresh air compared to other cancer stories, it also made the main plot disappear into a sea of curse words, sex scenes, and unlikable characters. It was easy to forget what the main plot of the book even was. I finished this book in less than 24 hours, and it was a quick, slightly entertaining read. I would describe this book as The Fault In Our Stars meets Chelsea Handler's raunchy humor (if you've read any of her books or seen her shows, you'll totally understand). Because of this odd mix, I thought I would adore the humor and realness within these pages, but at the end of the day, it just fell a bit short for me.

END VOTE:

2 stars

★★